Friendship; A Ship That Never Sinks:)

10:52:00 AM

My introduction is getting boring isn't it? I need to change it. I mean, people begin their posts with quotes and some really really interesting "Did you know..." questions. Here I am, so basic. But I can brag a little. My audience has grown so much for these couple of days since I started writing stuff on here. Happy would be an understatement because I feel so overwhelmed that so many people are reading this kind of pointless piece of gibberish.
I'm currently in my happy state of mind. Everything is going just the way I want it to go. Yes, I'm facing an unbearable farewell and I'm ought to say goodbye to some of by dearest closest friends that I count as my extended family members. Yes, I'm going to find out whether my college application passes the selection or not in two weeks. Yes, it's frightening but this couple of months have been some mixtures of happiness and sadness and excitement and horribleness. But I feel like I'm enjoying every bit of it without having to regularly give in to anxiety attacks. I have been crying less than some other times back in October through November. It is a huge deal. So, yeah... I'm currently at my happiest.

I would rather walk with a friend in the dark, than alone in the light. -Helen Keller.

Ever since I was little, I was never the antisocial kid. I was always able to make conversations with new friends and I always ended up being everyone's best friend because I just loved everyone so freaking much back then before things weren't as complicated as they are now. Well, I have my breaking point but it wasn't like what it is now. It was just days of scooting everyone over from the swing because I wanted it all to myself. Or days where I grew bored of my coloring books because mom didn't let me have my favorite Barbie. The only thing that would make me push everyone around me was crayons and Barbies. Other than that, I was always around with friends surrounding me. I always had some people to do crazy stuff with. Little "Mean Girls" actions would happen when I decided to gang up on some kids. But nothing ever came close to the term 'bullying'. I just liked to annoy people so much until they couldn't take it and cried. And I would also be the one who apologized first because I knew I was being mean and irritating.

I have always loved talking. Either it's pointless or some philosophical matter, I would always be so keen and excited just to talk. And I am a massive fan of listening to people. The effect is as close as it is like writing and reading. If I'm not mistaken, I told you about my asthma somewhere in the previous post. That was my ring-a-bell point, meaning that suffering from asthma was my turning point. I became less of a talker and more of a listener. Taming my mouth is the perfect phrase for the years after I severely suffered from asthma. I talked less but still was loud.
So, being the talker I used to be, I had so many people around me. We would share stories and fight over some stupid not-so-good candies. I was just this close to being called as a hyperactive child. I remember there was this catwalk event in my preschool year, I was one of the lucky models to walk down the tiny runway for the parents to watch. Every model was given like three minutes of posing and walking but I took in my spotlight and was a bit too selfish about it. I stood there for a good five minutes with everybody ushering me to walk back to change the outfit. It was hilarious and embarrassing. But people laughed and they loved me. Then, there was this singing competition and we, the little kids, must wear something really unique to the show. So, my uncle and aunts dressed me up in this very eye-catching matching top-to-bottom outfit. It was this combination of a strapless top and a skirt in matching colors. I went on stage and sang my little squeaky voice out loud. If that wasn't the most fun I had as a three or four year old, I have no clue what was. Everyone was chanting and most of them had as much fun as I did. I was that happy, almost hyperactive, joyful, full of life little kid that everyone loved. And that made making friends as easy as turning a book.

As I grew up, things slowly changed. One of the best years of my life happened when I was in grade 4. Our family had to move to the US due to my father's plan to continue his study in the US. Being someone who never had to face moving issues, going that far away scared the whole living daylight out of the 10 year-old me. I already made some really cool friends throughout my three years of primary school. Moving away, across-the-world away, from them meant hell to me even though I had no idea what hell was back then. But it was not my call to say no, I mean I was just a kid. The most powerful thing I could do was probably cry and beg for ice-creams. So, we moved. I was devastated.
The grief lasted longer than anyone had expected. I began to miss my set of best friends the moment we stepped inside the taxi on our way to the airport. I was balling my eyes out on the plane. If sky-diving was an alternative, I would actually turn into some fearless 10 year-old and sky-dive my way back to my hometown. But I was never that kid, I never had the courage to risk my life. So, I gave into the everlasting grief.
My 4th grade classmates:)
Being in a new country and having to spend one and a half year living there sucked, at first. I didn't know anything about speaking in English, heck all I knew was the ever so famous question to excuse myself to the bathroom. Other than that, I was a complete foreigner to the language and the country itself. I freaked out and suffered from social anxiety. Oh yeah, it is possible for a 10 year-old to develop that level of anxiety. I shut everyone out from me because I was mad and still was devastated and hurt and not happy and just simply not accepting this move. The first day of school was torture and it continued for some weeks, probably even months. I would excuse myself to the bathroom and spent too long in there just to cry because one, I couldn't understand anything in the class and two, I didn't like being the new Asian kid. I didn't like keeping my mouth shut because I was unable to reply in the same language. I didn't like not making friends. I didn't like it there. I was selfish enough to drag both my parents into this. They got regular calls everyday from my homeroom teacher asking them to pick me up because I seemed to always have a mental breakdown at school. I had no friends, I hated everyone, possibly everything.
I had to learn to adapt the hard way. Every morning since we first arrived at the small apartment, I would find ridiculous excuses to skip school because I was terrified and always anxious. But parents did what parents must. They didn't let me stay and sleep at home. So, I managed to just go and face it. Soon enough, people started to accept me as the new student, as one of their friends. I still remembered most of them. I remember everything was slowly turning brighter and I began to really adapt and I grew fond of my surroundings. I made new friends and I was happy. And I knew I was finally happy when I cried again on our way back to Indonesia. I knew living in the US was after all one of my best years when we had touched down in Indonesia. The people I became friends with there have always been the people I cherish the most, I love the most until this very day. They made me some of my best memories and I'm forever grateful for our friendship.

Came middle school and everything changed again. With social anxiety lingering on me, I was always scared of making conversations with people. I hated making new friends because it would end up with me being so embarrassed because I made a fool out of myself or they simply would not accept me as their friends, in shorter term; they would reject me. So, I kept it low. I didn't make a lot of friends because I second-guessed people quite a lot due to my stupid social anxiety.
Grade 8 happened and it was possibly the second most amazing year of my life:)
I had the most amazing time during that period. One, because I found pretty awesome people and two, because I found an extension to my family. I was put in a class of 32 I believe, and I thought it was gonna suck because this stupid anxiety and all that. It didn't. They were the best people I have ever met in life and I'm a very lucky and proud friend to have them in my life.
This family of 32 gave me something to learn. Our friendship has continuously grown stronger than ever. The fact that we were random kids put in the same class still amazes me and it amazes me even more knowing that we are still pretty much in touch with one another. We're family by heart:) Each of them has taught me some pretty good life lesson. I had some of the most amazing sisters, three of them are now my favorite ones.
My grade 8 & grade 9 family:)
A funny thing about this friendship is that it was so good I can't even put it to words now. I had a crush on one of them at the time. He was amazing and smart. Heck, now he's gonna fly to Japan to continue his study. And I remember having this debate about whether the school's bird-cage was clean or not. It was a rather pointless topic but we had pretty awesome time putting down each other's opinion. With that, I also discovered a very good friend of mine whom I consider more like a big brother to me than a friend. He was different from the others. He would sit in the corner and I'd say, 'calmed' himself in a cross-legged position almost like a meditating posture. We went to the same high school along with a few others and I have become a lot closer with him and we occasionally share stories with each other. He's one of the people whose advice I listen to and follow. Being a stubborn kid I am, following a person's advice is not my specialty. A few of them have entered college earlier than the rest. One of us is now studying in German. He got this scholarship there and I talked to him the other night. This post was kind of my way of paying my promise to him because I once promised them I would write a book about our friendship but I haven't had the chance to write one. So, sorry this is as close as I get to writing a book about you guys, if you're reading this:)
See, since we were the 'smart' kids at the time we talked and shared opinions a lot with each other. The topics ranged from simple ones like favorite bands until some really serious one like life goals, babies, even some really non-middle school topics.Through them I learned to never take light conversations because deep ones mean more, matter more. They taught me that I have to be one of the greats. Although they never really said I have to be like that but being friends with such amazing people motivate me, inspire me to be amazing, too. They may have succeeded on so many more fields than I have by now but at least I'm not stopping myself to keep up with their greatness, their mind-blowing ideas. They're amazing and I can't even say bad things about them.
Grade 9 came right after and I was lucky to still be able to spend another year with most of them. Up until this day, we still hang out together to grab some lunch or just to talk. We're planning on having a gathering some times in June. It has become our annual event to spend holiday nights together. I love them so much.

Now that middle school is over, the dreaded high school comes next. High school is tricky. If you stumble upon people who only bring more harm than good and decide to befriend them, then you're gonna spend three years of your precious teenage life bringing more harm than good. But if you're lucky enough to find some decent human beings who you can associate with and whom you think you can trust, then your high school is gonna be a piece of cake you can enjoy yourself with. You can say, I'm one of them lucky ones.
Although I spent most of my year 10 in the hospital due to some illness I'm not gonna talk about any time soon, I didn't make a lot of friends. But I got healthier and met some of my very best in year 11 and 12. It's funny how friendship is like picking random people whom you decide fun to be with. I didn't pick my friends, nor did I select people. Being a stupid anxious person, society scared me. So, picking friends was not in my favor. I just went with it. I mean it was nothing to loose, I was already a very terrified person when it comes to socialize or start conversations. Making friends was never my talent.
Luckily, I found just the right amount of happiness somewhere in year 11. I can go on and on just loving their existence. But my collection of words is not enough to put them into words. We started hanging out together on December 22nd. It was our National Mother's Day and we thought why not have a little adventure together. So, we went to Jakarta for the day. I can recount every one of the events that happened. We went there by train and decided to roam around Kota Tua for half of the day. It was unlucky for us because it was Monday and Monas was closed. So, we took a U turn and went to the National Gallery of Indonesia. Our mission came in two; one, we were tired and the day got hotter, we needed some AC. Since the National Gallery of Indonesia had some pretty delightful AC, we went there. Two, it was the only place we could go to before rush hour. And we went there. Going there with them was such a laugh. We admired the artworks, even replicated some of the poses and sat down tiredly on the floor right in front of the AC. Yeah, we were that tired.
So, here is a 3 minutes recap of what we did...
Yeah... We called ourselves Wanderlust. We always have this plan to go somewhere together, spontaneously without any written down plans or budgets. But ever since December 22nd, we hit rock bottom. Each and every one of us was busy managing our school's events. It started somewhere in March 2015, two of us held a badminton match for our school. Then, it was followed by new-students orientation. There were eight of us, six were busy being one of the committees. One of the six was the School Ambassador, two others were heads of the soccer team and badminton club. The three girls were main committees in the student orientation. So, we drifted apart quite fast. I took it the worst.
I cried one day and stayed pretty late at school. It was a Friday, I believe. We had stopped talking and joking around with each other and I kind of missed them so bad. But being the anxious person I was and adding trust issues to that matter, I decided to call it quit with them. I stopped entirely for several weeks, I didn't talk or did I say any hi at them if we happened to bump into each other. It was painful. And I was a bitch.
Family sticks together. They are my high school family, another extensions to my real one. My brothers and sisters that I can always trust. And family will always come back home, they will always come back to the place or the people that make them the most themselves, the most comfortable version of themselves. Somehow, after a pretty hard fall, we slowly and carefully put back our friendship. We hit the restart button. Each had grown more mature over the time we had wasted not talking and I was more than happy. My wish for them is that I hope we stay as a family as long as life takes us. Because you have been the best memories I will always cherish and you make high school a lot less difficult:) Thank you and I love you all so much.

Now that high school is nearly officially over, I'm left wondering what other kinds of friends God will bless me with later in life, later in college. The people I have now are already amazing and I am so thrilled to be surprised by so many more kinds of unique, fun, and intriguing people that I'll meet later.
To me, friendship is something that all of us can enjoy even for someone with an anxiety attack like me. I may not have the biggest number of friends due to my trust issues and social anxiety but I'm positive the ones I'm investing my time in are the ones who really are worth it. I love them all passionately and with no doubts at all. If the world ever offers me a remedy or another new set of friends, I will gladly turn that offer down and take what I already have as friends with me. They are my home, the people I'm truly grateful for. They're my second, third, and fourth family. They're the brothers and sisters whom I'm so lucky to find and keep in life. They may not hear this from a lot of people but they mean a lot to me and if I'm ever gonna have to say goodbye to one of them, I just... I don't know what I will do. They make me the most me and I have never for a second regret their existence, the tears they cause me, the spaces we create when we're having such hard times with each other. Everything has been the most wonderful with them and I couldn't be happier to cherish those moments:)
To the friends whose names or presence I didn't mention, you mean a lot to me too. You're the best and I am the luckiest to be able to discover such amazing people like you. I hope we stay friends, I hope you stick in my life longer, as long as life wants us to be. And even if life ends up not wanting us to be friends anymore, please keep me in your memory:) I love you as much as I love the ones I mentioned and I couldn't have passed 17 years of life without you all...

So, what kind of friends do you have? Whatever they are, however weird they are don't ever take advantage of their companies. They're one of the greatest gifts God has ever blessed us with. Make some times for them, make them know they're worth your time and your laughter. Oh, and please listen to this song. I'm dedicating this song to my wonderful pack of friends...

Have a nice day, everyone! Stay positive:)

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