Thoughts; The Voices Inside My Head Just Threw Up...

11:51:00 PM

Hi!
It's currently 22:33 here in my room. I'm sitting cross-legged on my bed because my mind decided to ramble around like it's some spacious ballroom. There's currently about ten hundred thousands different things going around my head and these letters are like open faucets that pleasure its need to burst out. See, I don't even think the previous sentence made sense.

Sigh...

What is wrong with me?

After graduation day, everything just slowly scattered into places. I may sound dramatic and childish at the same time but everything has simply been so messed up. I'm expecting panic attacks at any given moment right now but somehow writing that out helps. It's like opening up to my own self and at the same time to whoever's reading this.

If you ever wonder what's the inside of my head seems like, this post might really give a major tour around the crammed space. I can say I'm a bit too exposed for my liking but I can't blame anyone. I mean, I'm doing this willingly...

Good times...
So, I was gonna talk about some random thoughts. Because everything since last Saturday has turned out to be an epitome of randomness. A day after I got back from the trip, I felt this huge 'what's next?' feeling. You know the feeling of not knowing what to do next in your life because somehow every part of it is at pause. I mean, being off school is the greatest gift I can't lie. But that invites more problems. Before the graduation party and the trip, I always had school to go through. I mean, I had band practices, rehearsals, just random not-so-important reasons to bring myself to school. At the time, that maybe so irritating and time-wasting. But now that I'm always at home, I kind of miss it. I miss groaning every morning whilst fighting the urge to not throw my phone across the room because of it's annoying alarm sound. I miss seeing my friends in uniforms with their lives still not as halfway figured out as it is now. I miss bitching about the juniors even when they've done nothing wrong, it's unhealthily growing in all of us especially senior students. I miss listening to some pointless lessons which most of the time ended up with us finding excuses to go to the bathroom when we were actually desperate to buy some foods. I miss the joy of being occupied by endless school works, anxiety attacks caused by the grades, and I mostly miss the state of wanting to be a rebel at school so much because the rules were too strict to even respect. I can't believe I'm saying this but I actually miss school and it's not just the friends. It's everything under the definition of 'school'.

And yes, I know I'm being crazy...

That's only one of the thousands of things that are currently wandering in my head. I have about three to four other thoughts I want to let people know. Because I need to know if I'm not the only one having weird little voices inside my head.

My obsession with wattpad has been escalating ever since I decided to download the app. I don't know if it can still be considered as healthy to finish at least a virtual book a week. Because the stories I come to find are so addicting that putting my phone down is as close as being rude to the authors. Yeah, I think I'm turning into an addict. Correct that, I think I'm attached with this thing.
In my defense though, it at least helps my mind to calm down a bit with the I-think-I-miss-school situation. The stories are distractions to any sort of anxiety I have been expecting in the last few days. I'm grateful for the effect those stories have on me, I mean they're literally taking roles as my willing bodyguard to fight all the anxiety attacks. So, yeah... I'm obsessed with wattpad's sappy love stories and yes, I'm still so invested in the bad-boy-good-girl vibe. Don't judge. I like what I read and I don't like people judging my taste.
The book I'm currently reading is called The Bad Boy's Girl:
You can already tell how much I love the bad-boy-good-girl vibe just by reading the title. I just finished reading the most painful part. Heck, I was balling my eyes out through the last three chapters. Listening to James Bay singing was not much of a help. Yeah, go ahead and call me pathetic for crying over some fictional non-existing characters. I love them and I love whoever the writer is for making such perfect images of those unrealistic people. My favorite line so far is:
This is what it feels like to get your heart broken & smashed, right? If it is, then why do people even bother falling in love?
Yeah, I was practically sobbing quietly while struggling to get through the last few chapters. It hit rock bottom, the plot. And being attached to the stories, I couldn't help but cried. Plus, I'm not the type of person who skips through the bad parts just to comfort themselves. I'm a fighter therefore I did what I should do as fighters. I read the most painful chapters and managed to stay content for about twenty minutes and then I lost it. As I said, James Bay was not much of a help.

Speaking about James Bay...

WOW!

My heart is currently liberated from the need to have a crush on someone. My mind is off the market to think about random good-looking boys. I am mostly occupied by virtual stories. But James Bay, this dude is an exception. He is slowly hypnotizing me to break my walls down by creating this lovely--oh, so lovely!--music. For the first time after so long ago, I can actually play a song for a whole damn week without getting so sick of it. So the song that has been making my heart skips a beat every time I listen to it is this one:
Let It Go - James Bay

If you listen to the lyrics, it perfectly describes broken relationship. I'm not someone with broken relationship, in fact I'm in my happiest state. So, I shouldn't be feeling so connected to this song, right? But I can relate on another different level to this song so much I'm surprised. It tells stories of how once a relationship is so on fire and everything was just so great and passionate and somehow it turns into fights and screaming and door-slamming. And then, one of them decides to just let things go. However broken the relationship is, he wants to let it go and somehow wants to free himself and the other person.
Why don't you be you and I'll be me?
I like this part so much. To me, it gives definition to a dead-end road in a relationship. It's not just the romantic kind but all kinds of relationships. You know it's a dead-end to something when all you want is just to be freed to be your absolutely you. And you kind of promise the other end that if they let you be you, you'll willingly give them every power to be themselves, too. It's sacrifice, pain, acceptance, and relief all at once.
By now you should really get why I'm currently in love with James Bay and his music. It makes me think. It touches the parts in me that are usually not that easy to be touched. I'm glad I find him.

Holy cheese, I sound like a 13 year-old who accidentally bumps into her crush...

Anyway...

I feel the sudden desire to travel somewhere. I want to have a getaway. If possible, alone. I wanna go to some random place like Sydney or Singapore and just wander around the city and come back to the hotel feeling knackered but perfectly happy. I'd love to do some Umrah for that matter. I mean, what else is there better than to pray in the holiest land? Plus, I get to pour my inside out to God once I'm there if I ever get the chance. I'm always ready to ball my eyes out, telling God every bit of my problem and how none of them is really affecting me but somehow I always decide to make a big deal out of every one of them. Travelling is a dream for my summer and I'm more than happy if I can live that dream.

The next thing that just popped into my not-so-little head is the thoughts about the future. I'm the overthinking, worrying too much type of person. They are benefits of being a perfectionist control-freak who is at times so sarcastic and idealistic in solving life-level problems. Don't mind me being so on fire about this whole sarcasm. My blog says it all, doesn't it?
Anyway, I'm having this occasional thought about what the future will be. With school being over for a while and I'm no longer obliged to attend a week of school, I'm slightly worried about my future. Not that I become stupid or whatsoever. I mean, that might happen because as you know I was not born as a genius and I don't have the greatest skill on understanding things. My point is, what will four months from now be like? To start, I'll be 18 and probably be driving my own car. I'll probably start living on my own because hopefully I can get accepted to college this year. I'll be focusing my study in a law major. That is a huge change now that I'm actually talking about it. Most of my friends will go out of this town to pursue their own dreams. Some might actually go out of the country, lucky them. Things will just be totally different in four months times and I'm half excited and half terrified.
I posted something on Facebook not too long ago about this issue. Let me give you a screenshot of that...

It was 16 days before the National Exam and I was having a hard time falling asleep. It was basically like this but much worse. I always think about so much things that it's getting so uncomfortable even for my own liking. Getting rid of the habit is my mission but somehow I manage to never succeed. The things that I'm always overthinking about are sometimes the exact things that I should really release a grip from. But I never find that easy to do.

And here I am tonight...

At least, this better than suffering from another anxiety attack. Somehow this helps.

So, I think those little voices inside my head just threw up on here. I'm so sorry if this is so random and unplanned because I just need to get them out or else they'll eat my brain cells alive. I hope the things I have said might give you a little insight of how a mind of an almost 18 year-old works. By the way, I'm getting my ID card printed in like two weeks. I'm excited and I think I'll have a driving course sometime later this month because I need to retake my driving course due to my lacking ability in driving a car. I'm pathetic, I know. Just shut up and read...

We all have those little voices in our heads. In fact, I bet you're reading this with one. They make up your perceptions about things. How they read things will affect how you feel afterwards. They're your personal invisible and muted headsets. They may be annoying at the most critical times--when your crush walks pass you, somewhere in the nerve-wrecking exam room, or when you're standing on your feet in a full packed train--but you can't really hate it. It helps you a lot in giving clear opinions or in pushing you through things. It may throw up just like mine right now but petting it and nursing it in your head will do you more good than harm, I believe. So, let it be. Let it be it and you be you.

Did you just see my attempt in applying James Bay's lyrics to life-level problem?

Sigh...

So, before this gets anymore pathetic and weird, let's sign off. See you later, readers! I hope you're having a wonderful day! Have a nice day or sleep tight! I don't know, whatever...

Bye!

You Might Also Like

0 comments