The Big 20 (P.S. I'm back!)

7:37:00 PM

Hari ini (more like a month ago) hari yang kautunggu
Bertambah satu tahun usiamu, bahagialah kamu.


Happy ((superlate)) 20th Birthday to me!

Hi, whoever you are, wherever you are!
I'm back!!!
It's been a while since the last time I ever posted anything on my own website. HAHA! 10 points for commitment ((nope))! For the majority of you, this news isn't even worth reading, or in other words I'm nothing important ((cues the dramatic sobs...)). But yeah the domain for this website is not cheap so I better get productive before I'm broke. Beside that one major reason, I have been missing the feeling of writing recently. It always starts with constant overthinking and anxiety until I realize I need to "meditate" through writing things out. Writing is a writer's way of crying, just saying. So, yeah... ((sobbing))

"Yasmin, how does it feel to be 20 and old?!"
Well...
Hmmm...
Do you want me to go all goody-two-shoes or bluntly honest? Or both, perhaps?
Alright. Let's just say that I'm feeling all sort of emotions. How does it feel to be 20 and old? I'm only a month into being the big 20, so I can't really say much to be honest. But so far, it's been everything but boring, and I am immensely grateful for however old I am today. Am I happy with my current life? Not necessarily. So, I'm not happy with my current life ((I thought you said you were grateful, Min...))? Well, I'm also not 'not happy' about it. It's...complicated, and here's why.

Why am I not happy with my current life?
Well, because there are things that I still have yet to discover, solve, or recover from. One of which is setting a firm, realistic, and yet promising future for myself. I used to ace one of those 'What do you wanna be when you grow up?' type of trivia. Now I kind of feel like there's a lot I need to consider and calculate on my plate before actually shaping a future for myself. Hence, the dissatisfaction, the traumas (from unfinished recovery), the worries, and the 'should've, could've, would've' don't quite bring me happiness. However, I'm getting there (although I'm not that entirely sure about that either, but I guess I am). How so? Well, first of all, I'm taking lessons on the things that have happened recently like my brother's preparation for college (a reminiscent of how I was back then, but his is more settled in a way), my grade which dropped too low last semester, and of course the organization that has been keeping me busy. I've been learning a lot about myself and my close surroundings through all that even though sometimes I never really understood it completely. But learning is a process after all.

And, why are you not 'not happy' with your current life, Min? ((me, asking myself internally))
Because I feel so content with everything amidst the fact that none of it is completely figured out and settled. Yes, I do get anxiety with that particular fact most of the time but I always manage to breathe and actually work things out to fulfill one by one. And of course, I feel like this first month of being 20 has taught me a lot about how to love and appreciate myself and my existence. It's so confusing, I know, knowing that I'm not entirely present and complete at this stage of life yet I had the audacity to say that. But again, I've been feeling all sort of emotions so please, excuse the confusing statements.

aNYwaYYYY...
You want them to excuse your alayness too?! Woman, get yourself together. Please! For the blog!
On a much shallower note (yep, the two paragraphs before this one is too deep, I can't...), I've been learning all sort of things during my first month of being 20. I'm proud to say that I am now able to differentiate ketumbar with lada putih, and how amazing is the fact that now I can actually create a marinade for a chicken steak. Like, I feel all Gordon Ramsay and whatnot (HAHA! Poor pun...). Yeah, I really did cook my own meal for the first seven days being 20. I got all the ingredients prepared, from the actual meat to the little bits and pieces like seasonings. I even bought a measuring tool so it would get all 'too salty' when i drop 1/2 teaspoon of salt into the marinade sauce. My steak, in fact my meals throughout that week, went absolutely tasty that when my dad and my brother took some bites they didn't throw up.

Another thing that I've picked up and kinda aced during the last 30 days is driving. Yes. I took driving classes. And yes, now I'm not afraid to drive on all sort of roads except the tollway. And yes, I can proudly park the car (although it took me 20 minutes at my first try). I just need like a week full of driving to really smooth my inner Fast and Furious.

Aside from the two completely new skills I've been learning recently, I have also had progress with my novel.
IT HAS BEEN COMPLETED,
but it is not yet published, because proofreading and self-editing are important before I dare to send it to a publisher.

Yes, it has been completed since June (I think). And now I'm taking a month long break before the self editing process and proofreading by none other than my mother who is also a writer. Please, send me all the lucks because I really need to produce a new novel after the last one that got published in 2016. ((fingers crossed!!!))

"It's been nice to finally catch up with your (not so) important life. So, anything you're looking forward to in the future? A boyfriend possibly? Or an internship? Or maybe a better grade?"

HAHAHA.

Boyfriend? I'm pretty cool with being single currently. So, a boyfriend is probably my number 100 in the 'To-Do' list. But I don't want to jinx it and end up single forever. Let's just say I'm open to any possibility but I can't promise any type of focus on that particular person if I ever get in a relationship in the near future.

An internship is definitely on a higher position on my list. I've several planned for the end of this year as well as next year. The last internship proposal was a failure mainly because I didn't complete the requirement. So, yes. Several internships are definitely on my list.

A better grade, huh? This hurts. Like hell. Call me selfish because I seriously want to re-focus myself and my academic life in the following semesters. I mean, I have a lot of ambitions that I want to pursue so bad and actually ace in life, so yeah... Bettering my grade and my knowledge are two of the top priorities in my future academic performances.

Other things that I am looking forward to experience are joining competitions. And again, I don't want to jinx anything before it actually happens, but I am planning to join some during the first half of next year. I am also planning to join some international programs (volunteering, conference, summit, etc.). So, it's safe to say that next year will be my year to broaden my horizon as well as centering my focus onto myself and my development before I actually graduate and continue my study.

OKAY...

I think it's enough catch up for now. What I'm trying to say is that I will try my hardest to post regularly on this site. Contents will be absolutely random, some may even be short poems. So, stick around I guess.
You should probably work on your YouTube channel, too.
That, I guess, has to wait until I buy a new laptop with enough video editing tools. HAHA. Sorry, HP. I love you, nevertheless.

I guess, that's about it! Thank you for reading and caring... See you, soon!

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